Over the last 6 months or so I have been going inward. At first it wasn't a healthy inward, it was a withdrawal. A removal of self from the world. It was a shrinking, a cowering. I allowed myself to be held captive by fear.
Do you know what that's like? To listen to that little voice inside your head that tells you all kinds of mean and diminishing things?
I sure have, many times throughout my life. In those times I have felt so powerless, so insignificant. Almost empty, but not quite, because the space was filled with sadness.
We all have those voices in our heads that hold us back and tie us down. That prevent us from spreading our wings and taking flight. To spread our fairy dust of a gift on the world. We turn our power over to fear, instead of embracing our greatest power...to love.
Somehow that sneaky little voice got ahold of the microphone and started broadcasting it's playlist of make you feel really shitty about yourself tunes. It happened so quietly, and so quickly that I didn't even realize it had happened until I was caught under it's spell. Motionless.
So, what did it take for me to see that I had become caught in it's web of lies and deceit?
Bottom. Pain. Frustration. Discontent.
It is touching on that which ignites my fire.
As some of you may know, I turned 40 last week. This is and isn't a big deal. Sure, there are certain aspects of my physical body that remind me of my age (nagging pain in my lower back and hip, random aches here and there, a few new wrinkles around the eyes), but those things to me are badges to wear with pride.
To be proud. A feeling, a deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements. Yeah, this is the part of turning 40 that has been the wake up call.
The flint to my fire.
What have I offered in my 40 years that I am proud of? How would I like to show up differently moving forward?
This past week I tucked myself away from the city, and the normal distractions of daily living. I found myself a sweet little cottage out on the Olympic Peninsula where I could reflect, connect and celebrate all that my life is. All that has shaped me into who I am. With that reflection of who I am, it helps me see who I still want to be come. Maybe not so much who, but what I provide, and how I show up.
This is the oxygen my fire needed.
To live is to feel.
Pain and pleasure. Disappointment and encouragement. Confusion and clarity.
We are shaped by our world. Usually that world is the environment we grow up in, and eventually we take the influences of that outside world and internalize it. We are shaped from those experiences. Sometimes we can shake the influences that no longer serve us, other times they are so deeply woven into the fabric of our being that we don't even see that they are there.
You see, as I now see, that one of the most delusional things that I have internalized is that I have nothing valuable to say. By falling into that trap of self-doubt I have held myself back from the world. So caught up in my own inner drama and fear that I didn't notice that I was draining the power of my words... so that my words really didn't have value.
Basically, by letting my inner bully run the show, I couldn't live in my integrity. Without living my values, I couldn't use my words, which means I didn't believe I had anything to say, and therefore I stopped writing. I didn't actually have anything to say.
Whew. Are you still with me?
The truth is, this isn't the time to be throwing pity parties. Our world is crying for help. For healing. For love.
So much around us is stoking the fire. The force to rise above our belief systems. Our pain. Our doubts and fears.
Holding back. Playing small....
This is the poison that has been infiltrating all of humanity.
The world is shifting at an alarming rate! So much unrest, devastation and pain.
The darkness of humanity, our Mother Earth, the world in which we live needs you to shine your light.
We are being asked to ignite. To step up. To share our gifts. To cast our love over the world. To free ourselves from the shackles of outdated beliefs. To shed our leaves and emerge anew.
The time is now.
Brightly, Brilliantly. Fiercely.
It's when our feet hit rock bottom we have something to push off of.
Fear is always there. Let it be your motivator. Let's use the fear to generate excitement and action.
What fuels your fire?
Are you ready to set yourself free? What beliefs are you ready to let go of? What diminishing thought are willing to call bullshit on?
Are you ready to uproot the weeds of despair? Are you ready to make a different choice? The choice to acknowledge, love and celebrate yourself, and your magnificence? Are you ready to give your gift? The gift of you. You beyond your limited beliefs, you beyond your doubt, you beyond any righteousness, you beyond your fear.
Are you ready to spread your loving fairy dust all over the world?
It starts with you.
It starts by loving you. Seeing your pain. Loving the one that feels unlovable. Casting aside the diminishing voice that only poisons your life blood.
The world needs you.
I need you.
I believe in you.
I believe in me.
We've got this.
That is why we are here.
Thank that voice in your head, and politely turn your back and head the opposite direction.
Straight into the fire.
Love flowing. Fire burning.
And, as always, here is my favorite song of the moment, The Fruitful Darkness. On topic, of course.